A Reflective POV on my WIP

After writing over 20,000 words I'm considering changes in the story. Sigh.

Now with the story idea basically down I've almost decided to ditch some scenes and or just rewrite them to make the story better as well as to prevent the story from being evasive to the idea.

For instance. Instead of having Talon getting hired to track the cop killer who is either suspected of being a renegade vampire or someone who is doing their best to dishonor peaceful vampires living among mortals. If it is a renegade he will have to be someone pretending to partake in the Synthetic Blood (SB) Program or one who refuses. I do know the cop killer. Without doing a spoiler here I'll just mention he'll be related to the main character Talon Torran, who comes out of retirement to help cops track the killer.

Originally I was thinking of having a scene showing Talon in the San Francisco police department discussing the matter with the police chief who has been contacted by the police chief in Portland, Oregon where this problem exist.

Now I'm thinking it might be better to have that happened already. He's assigned a partner who'll be his mentor and since it takes several months for a detective to get re instated which means he won't be issued a gun until that happens. But his being a vampire Talon rarely uses a weapon, only his abilities.

I love the scene where Talon meets Dillon. I should keep it, but if i do, it might need reworded. Sigh.

Le Fey, Talon and Jude's uncle will already be owner of the Blue Witch, a gay bar where vamps & mortals hang out and where Jude works as a bartender. Jude hates his uncle for turning him and his brother. Their conflict will remain the same.

Without having any knowledge of the story what do you think about the changes?

Since I'm doing this story for nano I'm going to do my best to finish it the way it is. Then af ter nano make the .changes.

Remember, if you are a writer, write, write, write. If you're a reader remember to buy our books and read, read, read.

And I want to think everyone for your support. 

If you'd like to read  my current book or see its cover click here   http://tinyurl.com/3fjrq36

Renegade - synopsis

Renegade Vampire

synopsis

Fierce hunger rages through the vampire belly while standing on the roof top in the quiet neighborhood scanning for food to calm the demanding thirst boiling through him. Anyone or anything would do. Movement across the narrow street caught his attention. A young woman wearing a black cop came out of house. “Yes,” he hissed. “Perfect.” 

Desperation forced vampire TALON TORRAN  out of retirement. With the offer of one hundred thousand dollars to track a cop killer who the cops suspect of being a renegade vampire he jumped at the chance of adding the reward to his almost non-existence bank account. Besides a lot of that moolah would be enough to pay off his hefty gambling debt and finally get the mafia off his back. And after the investigation was over he’d return to living his quiet life. 

DILLON McCAIN has had it with affairs. His most recent one proved that when his boyfriend left him for a high paying job in Italy. He’ll never waste his precious time forming a long-term relationship again and for what, for it to only end and shatter is heart? No way. Not worth the effort. Yet the moment he met his new partner, a rugged-looking detective he put his vow on hiatus – until he learned of his dark side. But with America’s new laws regarding racial purity nothing is worthy of getting caught in a relationship with a vampire, especially spending the rest of one’s life in an internment camp for catching any disease a vampire might have.

JUDE TORRAN, Talon’s younger brother, loathes the foul taste of synthetic blood which he and other vampires must consume daily if they wish to live peacefully among mortals. The only thing he likes about the Synthetic Blood Program is its protections from unscrupulous slayers who firmly believe that vampires deserve only one thing - - death.

MAX RAMOS, Dillon’s ex-partner suspects him and Talon of having an affair when he sees the being overly chummy. He’ll continue to keep an eye on them. If his hunch is right he’ll expose the two detectives. 

LE FEY TORRAN, the Torran brother’s uncle, who’d turned them into vampires back in1865, is now owner of the Blue Witch, a gay bar where mortals and vamps frequent. He’s surprised to discover Jude, one of his nephews, an employee.  He wonders if Jude is in this era his brother should also be around. When he and his nephew get into an argument which Jude winds up making threats to him Le Fey decides to wreak havoc on his life by killing cops and planting something of his nephew’s as evidence.

During their investigation Dillon and Talon find their bonding happens

rather fast. No matter how hard they try to stick to their vow to not become sexually involved the harder things get. Neither can keep their minds off one another. Both dream about having a sexual encounter with one another which seems so vivid Dillon actually believes he and Talon spent time making love. Now he hopes no one finds out. 

Talon is surprised his dream managed to enter his partner’s mind and uses his telepathic powers to make him forget. Now he needs someone to help him not to remember. Going to his brother’s house where he’s staying during his investigation he plans to ask Jude for help. Upon his arrival he’s shocked to discover an empty IV bag in the sink and other’s in a garbage bag. Now, he hopes Jude hasn’t gone on the deep end and stopped his involvement in the SB Program. He’d hate to see his sibling treated like an illegal alien and deported or worse – executed on the spot.

When another cop is killed Talon and his partner go to the crime. Someone has discovered evidence the killer left behind. Talon is stunned. He knows the owner of the evidence. If his brother stopped taking SB could hunting prey be part of its side effects? He won’t know until he conducts an interview with his sibling and he hopes he’s wrong about his quitting the SB Program.

Getting an officer down call Torran rushes to the Blue Witch. He’s shocked to discover Dillon has been bitten and his brother lying on the floor in pains as well as a pile of ashes. Even though he loves his brother his duty comes first. Hoping he has enough of synthetic blood in his symptom he feeds some of his to his partner. With luck Dillon will heal. Tending to his brother he learns their Uncle Le Fey attacked his partner. While trying to save Dillon he’d gotten attacked. Talon, able to save his brother from death knows of only one thing to do,  take them far from this oppressed country with hopes of their being able to live a peaceful life.

Dillon reflects on day event

Dillon stuck his head beneath the shower head to let the hot pounding water rinse off the flower scented shampoo from his hair. While the lather streamed down his taut chest and flowed over his six pack his lids lowered to his face. He was aware the scent wasn’t exactly manly, but he could give a rat’s ass. He loved the lavender aroma. And fuck what other men thought. He was his own man and had always been. He wasn’t one to keep up with the Jones’ or to follow the crowd just because nor would he jump off a bridge or the tallest building in the world. He dressed for himself and basically did things for himself, especially to tend to his physical being.

He was a twenty-seven-year-old man for God’s sake. A hard working homicide detective, at least he considered himself one. He was dedicated to his work or anything else he found himself involved in. He thought of himself as a loyal man with a somewhat good demeanor even though he’d never allow anyone no matter who they are disrespect him just because. He wasn’t a push over. So couldn’t he keep a damn blasted man in his life. Every time he found himself comfortable in a lengthy relationship something would make it crumble like a cracker in his hands. They’d always have some lame excuse of why they wanted to move on. All right most of those excuses might not be so lame, but they sure seemed that way. What had he done wrong? Nothing as far as he was concerned. Shit just happens. Maybe that’s what all that boiled down to, shit.

His lids lifted. His back burned. He’d stayed to damn long und beneath the shower head letting the stinging spray prickle his head and back. He even held the bar of beige soap way too long. Whatever it had been made of had softened in the palm of his hand. It was his favorite soap. He’d found other soaps to creamy for his skin. This particular brand might have cream or whatever they called it, but it was basically dry. Something his skin favored. After sitting the soap in the built in soap dish rinsed the hand,

Finished, he wrapped his fingers around the round knob. Turning it counter clock wise its squeaking sound echoed in his ears. Damn it! I keep forgetting to report this to maintenance. I’ll do that before leaving this building tomorrow

Dillon shoved the shower stall door opened and stepped out into the bathroom. His fingers yanked the maroon terry cloth bath towel from its rack and toweled his hair as well as the rest of his body. Not wanting to allow any mildew to seep into the fabric he draped it over the shower door.

He paused in front of the tall porcelain sink and listened to the mirror squeak as the palm of his hand did its best to remove the steam. Hm. Realizing something he ambled toward the door and shoved it open. Now, maybe his effort to clear a lot of steam from the mirror wouldn’t be totally useless.

Returning to the sink he brushed his teeth with the electric toothbrush and gargled. On his way out of the bathroom he yanked a clean bath towel from the linen closet toweled his hair once again with one end. In the spacious dimly lit bedroom he draped the towel over his shoulders to block the air-conditioner’s cold air off him until his body temperature reached its normal temp. Letting the mixture of hot and cold air sweep over him wasn’t a good thing. That mixture usually wreaked havoc on his sinus. He remembered how sick he’d gotten a few times since he neglected to cover himself, He didn’t even bother to protect himself with his thick eggplant color bathrobe one of his recent boyfriend’s gave him for a present. Not only going without that protective shield caused him to go through a terrible combination of a sinus, cold the damp Oregon weather didn’t help. He wasn’t about to let himself go through that crap again and wind up listening to his black ass partner bitch. He already received too much flak from Max already with his persistent bickering about homosexuals and other minorities he didn’t approve of.

Dillon went inside the big walk-in closet and yanked towel off his shoulders, grabbed the robe. After putting the towel on the hook he slid his long arms through the robe on his way back into his room. A glance at the big red numbers on the alarm clock sitting on the tall varnished dresser he noted the time had reached seven-thirty. Time had passed quicker than he expected, but he didn’t mind. He’d already gone out for the evening though what he enjoyed didn’t last as long as he had wanted.

His eyes automatically focused on a small framed picture. A color photo of him and Adam with twin waterfalls in the background. A frown instantly formed on his lips at the sight of his boyfriend, his ex-boyfriend that is. They’d spent the past seven and one half months getting to know one another. And for what, nothing. He understood Adam’s reason for opting for that job in Rome. Money. He’d been downsized from the last company where he’d been employed for the past decade. With all the money he managed to accumulate he knew Adam wasn’t desperate for any of that. He just got bored. He did spend a lot of time seeking other employment, but nothing came through. The moment he got wind of the  job at a robotic’s corporation he jumped at the chance to apply. In less than a month he’d been accepted. Dillon spent a lot of time trying to dissuade his boyfriend to stay. Of course, he was aware he was being selfish, yet he couldn’t help it. Out of all the guys he’d dated Adam happened to be the only one he actually felt comfortable with and he’d been the only wanted he wanted to share a home with and to say the eye do’s. He also knew that’s what Adam desired, but that desired faded the moment the freaking ass job made an appearance in Adam’s life - - their life.

He strode to the dresser, grabbed the frame and gazed longingly at Adam. His hand shook while strong wav of anger stormed through his veins. Adam is gone. He doesn’t exist for me anymore. Now get over it. Get over him and move on. Move on? Where? How? Unexpectedly a low growl swelled in his belly. It seemed to have taken its ever loving time to free itself from the knot it formed, but he soon felt it rise up to his throat and finally explode. “Damn you Adam Collins!” Dillon’s hand raised up then tilted backward. The moment it came forward his fingers loosened their grip on the frame. It soared over the wide bed only stopping when the frame met the wall and a loud crash filled the room and his ears.

Dillon’s stomach filled with heated fury. His body trembled while his damp eyes flooded and swelled and a thick stream of liquid streamed down his cheeks.

“Damn, fuck it all, shit,”

It had been years since he’d given in to that much sadness. Mostly because it had always been drilled into him by his father that young boys or even grown men never cried. Crying was a thing a sissy would do. Men should suck it up and take it like a man. Bull shit.  Later in his life he discovered crying was good for the soul. It was a release. If one never cried all that emotion would be bottled up in them and could make them a nervous wreck or even a loner. He was also aware that he should pull himself together and pick up the pieces and maybe even start all over again. I will pull myself together, but I be damned if I’ll ever start over again. It ain’t worth the trouble. Besides, I might be better off being without any one in my life. At least as far as a boyfriend or a lover is concerned. Nope. All of that is crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

 He sat on the bed end of the bed and willed himself to become calm.

I’m thirsty. But I don’t want beer. Coffee is out of the question. So is tea.

He stood and padded his bare feet across the carpet and walked out into the hall.

***

In the kitchen he retrieved a dark brown mug from the cabinet and filled the tea kettle. As the water brewed he pulled the can of cocoa with tiny marshmallows from the pantry and sat it on the wood island in the middle of the modern kitchen and left the room

Pausing at the coffee table she scooped up the remote. The moment he aimed it at the flat screen TV he pressed the On button and sat on the couch.

(to be continued –much, much later)

RENEGADE VAMPIRE - chapter two

Chapter Two

Voices of the Andrew Sisters singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy  blasted from the sound system inside the Blue Witch bar while Homicide Detective Dillon McCain stood in front of a giant vampire with his head tilted and his eyes gazing into his dark eyes. A sigh flowed from his mouth as he said.“No need to get so huffy Mr. Baltec.”

“Huffy? You’re the one who’s bothering me ,” the vampire growled. “I have the right to be huffy, Detective McCain.”

“Knock ‘em on his ass,” a male voice shouted.

“Well, just answer - -”

          “No. You get the hell out of my face,” the vampire ordered. “As a matter of fact - -” His fingers curled into a fist as he reared hi arm back and brought it forward slamming his thick  knuckles into Dillon’s nose.

          “Oh shit,” Dillon muttered. Sharp pain quickly set in. His face throbbed as he felt himself become light headed. Warm air swept over him while his body rose above the crowd. “What the fuck?” His eyes widened as he gazed down at the top of the customer’s heads.  He quickly averted his attention from the crowd and glanced up. “Oh no,” he muttered seeing the ceiling getting closer and closer. Now I lay me down to sleep. That one line quickly left his mind as his body tilted head first and began its flight downward.

          Not faar below him a man with spiky ebony hair and pale skin materialized. Huh? Oh, never mind. He must be a vampire. His head tilted and their gaze met. The man’s arms stretched out as he’d gotten closer. Vampire or not please let him be my savior.

          A grunt bellowed from the man and his body flinched as Dillon landed in his arms. He quickly wrapped his right arm around the rugged looking man’s neck hoping his ass wouldn’t meet the floor. “Whew!’ he sighed. “Good catch.” For some reason he cocked his head as his gazed firmly into the man’s face. He had deep set dark eyes which with help of his pale skin brought out their dark color. A prominent nose above sensuous lips and a square jaw.

          Talon glanced around him as the sound of applause filled his ears. Several customers had now focused their attention and the blond in his arms.

“Hi,” Dillon said. “My name is Dillon McCain.”

          Talon grinned. He sure is a cute thing. “Nice meeting you Dillon McCain.”

“I wish there was a better way of us meeting, but as you can see - -”

          “My name is Talon - -”
          "Hi. My name is Dillon and it's nice to meet you."
         "Likewise," Talon replied.

           “He smells like a mortal.” An unexpected voice spoke nearby interrupted.

          “That’s because I am,”  Dillon spoke softly. And leaned his head against Talon's wide chest.

RENEGADE VAMPIRE - new scene

Here's a new scene. I've been trying to figure out an interesting way for Talon and his younger brother Jude to meet after not speaking to each other for about 3 years. I think this will work. What do you think?

A light drizzle slapped against the helmets visor while Talon sped down NW Everett. He’d been following man driving a Harley-Davidson ever since NW Twenty-Second, the street where his brother lived. And he was sure the man he’d been following was his sibling. He kept trying to get his attention, but failed. The man apparently had his mind on something else since he wasn’t paying any attention to him.

Damn it. Talon cursed.  I don’t like using my telepathic powers since they give me headaches. Guess I’ll have to resort to using them.

The man on the Harley in front of him swerved to the right at NW Eighth, but within seconds he backed up and sped down Everett. Two other Harley’s followed him.

            “Whoa,” he muttered. Is he running away from them?

            Using his telepathic powers he sent his thoughts to the man’s mind. Jude this is your brother, is that you on the Harley driving down Everett?

            Yeah. He heard the man’s voice in his mind.

            Are those two biker’s bothering you?

            Yeah. They’re rogue slayers and don’t care if us vamps are in that SB Program. He answered. Where the hell are ya?

            Behind them. How do you know they’re slayers?

            By the black ski mask they’re wearin’.

            Oh.

            You got a plan to get me out of this mess, bro/

            Not at the moment.

            Jude continued driving down the street.

            Talon noticed they were reaching NW Sixth and the traffic light blinked red.

            Jude continued his fast pace until he was on the other side of the intersection just missing the oncoming MAX train.

            The two slayers stopped their Harley’s and waited for the train to pass.

            Now using his vampiric abilities a sense of weightlessness over powered him. Talon felt his Harley lift off the pavement and soar over the slayers. Within seconds the roof of the train was directly below him. The moment the train was behind him the motorcycle lowered itself to the street. Both tires screeched and skidded until Talon managed to stop it. By the time he swerved the Harley to face the direction he came from he noticed his brother and his Harley facing the intersection and the slayers.

Awesome move, bro.  He heard his brother’s voice in his mind.

I thought so, he replied as he drove his bike toward him.

Got any plans now, bro?

Not really. Just playing it by ear.

Talon shut off the engine, dismounted, removed the helmet. Sitting it on the Harley’s seat he glanced at his brother.

The two bikers revved up their engines and drove through the intersection toward them. Both of them began to drive in a circle around the two brothers.

NOTE: I’m still trying to figure out exact ending.

                                               If you read this please leave a comment. I'd

                                               like your suggestions on improving scene.

           

                                                                 

           

           

 

Class - week 1

Okay. Here's lesson 1. from Savvy Authors class

The comment below is from my teacher.

'I agree with the comments, Jerry. Great imagery, and strong writing. I'm intrigued and the tension build up is perfect.

It might grab more to switch the order of your your first two sentences.

NOTE: I switched 1st 2 sentences.

A fierce hunger roiled through the vampire’s belly while he squatted on the roof of a two story house and a reddish hue formed in his eyes as he scanned the quiet neighborhood. Crystals of tiny of sparkling lights exploded in the black sky giving off a popping sound, but so far no mortal nor animal stirred.

Misa Ramirez'

Okay, here's my opening. Hope I did it justice
I've jotted down several possible titles for this MS.

1 - Renegade Vampire
2 - Templeton
3 - Bay City Vampires

Possible log line;

A detective. A renegade vampire. Will Talon be able to face the fate which awaits?

Now the lesson. Hope I did it justice

Opening

Portland, Oregon
July 4, 2010

Crystals of tiny of sparkling lights exploded in the black sky giving off a popping sound. A fierce hunger roiled through the vampire’s belly while he squatted on the roof of a two story house and a reddish hue formed in his eyes as he scanned the quiet neighborhood. So far no mortal nor animal stirred.

Movement across the narrow street caught his attention. A door opened in the two story house and a young woman in her late twenties stepped out into the cold air. “Yes,” he hissed as she locked the door. A sweater stretched over her sleek torso and a light jacket with a hood covered it. A pair of black slacks were a snug fit on her thin legs and ended at a pair of flat shoes.

TEMPLETON or ?

For quite some time I've been writing a lengthy story. This particular WIP will hopefully become a novel instead of a novella which I've written & had gotten published. See previous post.

So far this story has gone thru 3 titles.

1 - Bay City Vampires

2 - Renegade Vampire

3 - Templeton


Originally I had wanted to use title 1, which is the name of a gay vampire motorcycle gang, but as the idea progressed I realized they were only a minor part of the story. The gang's story purpose is to help their leader who is main character, to track a renegade vampire who is on a killing spree.

Therefore, the title became # 2.

And then I thought about deleting the gang, but now I'm reconsidering.

As you can see above, title 3.  Of course, after all this time in thinking about which title to use, I might resort back to the original.

Oh, well.

For the past couple of weeks I've been taking a novel writing class. Writing The Break Out Novel by Donald Maass is the text along with his work book. I have that book. Can't get the work book till next month. Sigh.

Since the class has already gone thru week 1 I'll post the lesson along with the teacher's comment. A lot of student commented that they also like what I wrote.

Later ---